Blythe and I didn’t inhale (ok, maybe I did a little bit)

one toke over the line

So this one starts out with my wife and I sitting on these aluminum bleachers, and we’re watching this car race, but it’s this really small mud track so only one car at a time can go around in a fairly small circle and the cars keep getting stuck, but everyone really seems to be enjoying it, so whatever.  I end up getting into a conversation with Blythe Danner, who’s sitting next to us, and somehow we get into a conversation about marijuana and Blythe is saying that she’s never tried it before.  So I decide that I’ll go track down some pot so she can try it.

one word: pothead

I’m super anxious because I have absolutely no idea how I’m going to actually find marijuana, but then as I’m walking I see Marc Maron going into a bathroom.  Apparently, Marc and I are friends, and apparently, Marc is also very much an aficionado of the cheeba, so I follow him in to chat.  I explain my dilemma, and he agrees to give me some of the stuff he’s got on him.  I realize that I don’t have any money on me, and I tell him that my wife has some cash that I’ll get to him ASAP.  He’s a little annoyed, but still agrees to help out.  So he rolls up a joint in this paper that’s really flaky like the icing on a donut, and underneath the first layer of rolling paper, there’s an even tinier, super tightly rolled joint, and it’s in a gold cigarette holder.  Marc clearly takes pride in his work.  I’ll admit, I take a small puff, and then I head out to get back to Blythe, and I need to hurry because the joint is already burning down pretty quickly.  It’s not a huge deal, because Blythe had told me she just wanted to take one drag off it, so I’m just trying to get back to the bleachers so there’s enough for that.

don’t let the cops catch you with one of these

And then it starts raining.  Like really hard.  And I’m trudging steadily onward, but by the time I get back everyone’s left and it doesn’t really matter because the joint is out and somehow it’s turned into this silver metal tripod.  My wife is waiting for me in the car, and I throw the tripod in the back seat, and we’re both paranoid someone saw me with the tripod because apparently this tripod is a very obvious bit of drug paraphernalia.  I then sit in the front seat and explain to my wife that we need to swing by Marc’s house and drop off some cash, and I’m annoyed since I basically wasted money on this joint that no one used.  We then try to determine if we should give him fifteen bucks or twenty bucks because Marc never specified.

kinda like this but more delicious

The dream shifts after that, and I’m with friends at Dar’s Pizza in Pipestone, and everyone has to flee the pizza place because it fills up with this malevolent blob of pizza dough that fills the whole restaurant.  My friends and I are able to get out, but the owners get swallowed up.  Once we’re outside, it’s clear that something bad is happening to the whole world.  I don’t remember all the details, but at one point I get separated from everyone else and I have to rescue Eric Idle, who’s dressed like his character in “The Adventures of Baron Munchausen”, because he’s trapped behind this wire fence, and it seems like if he doesn’t get out of there he’s going to become a zombie or be used for experiments or something.  We also find this cash register that’s printing out a receipt that has basically been tracking my entire life and has been charging me every time I do something good.

how much does it cost to save Eric Idle?

i’m too sexy for this dream

the face of oppression

There’s some other stuff that I’m a little fuzzy on, including evil crystal dragonflies, but then the dream shifts again to this world that’s a combination of “1984” and “Fahrenheit 451”.  A young Robert Redford is supposed to be a detective in this world, but we discover that he’s actually in league with the underground resistance.  There’s a scene with him in what’s kind of like an information epicenter, but all the workers there are in the resistance, so they’ve turned off all the monitoring devices (incidentally, the monitoring devices are basically these tree-creatures that take up one whole wall made of bark. . .actually, I think they might be that Stub Hub tree).  There’s something about how the government is burning people alive is they’re discovered to be “collaborators” and Robert is supposed to be one of the guys trying to find these collaborators, but obviously he’s trying to put a stop to all the burning and stuff.  Later on he gets partnered with a young Meryl Streep, and he falls in love with her and they have an affair, but she’s very pro-government and eventually discovers that Robert is a collaborator and she turns him in and Robert gets burned alive and shot in the head.

the face of sexy oppression

So that happened. . .

A Hobo Family Christmas

So this one starts out with Paul Rudd and Bobby Moynihan on the run.  I’m a little fuzzy on what exactly happened before, but it seems like Paul Rudd was some fancy business executive and Bobby Moynihan was like the janitor or something and something went wrong and they were falsely accused of something (that’s a lot of somethings), and they had to hit the open road.

take it on the run, boys

So they’re literally on the open road; it’s this dirt road jammed with all kinds of junk like abandoned shopping carts, random pieces of sheet metal, that kind of thing.  There’s this vast, brown, swampy marsh on both sides for as far as the eye can see, and there are all kinds of homeless people trudging up and down the road.

At some point Bobby Moynihan becomes Chris Farley and Kerri Kenney has joined them. They’ve also acquired three little kids.  There’s a boy and two girls, and the youngest girl is a cute little redhead named Portia who never talks.

sorry, Bobby. . .

So then we’re in this coffee shop that’s attached to a large bookstore, like Borders or something, but in the back of the coffee shop there’s this giant shower room like something you’d see in a high school locker room.  Paul, Chris, and Kerri are in there, and they’ve apparently found someone to babysit the kids, and they still have all their clothes on but apparently they’re about to have a three-way because none of them have done it in awhile what with being homeless and watching after orphans.  Kerri’s wearing this white latex bodysuit with one of those nurse hats on.  The water is on and there’s steam rising everywhere.  There’s a feeling not so much of desire but just unabashed eagerness.

it was kind of like this. you can understand the eagerness.

At this point, Fred Willard, who manages either the coffee shop or the bookstore or both, not sure which, he comes storming into the shower room and tells them that they can’t be in there.  He seems less miffed that they were about to have sex than that they’re homeless and not paying customers.  As he’s admonishing them, he notices that a bunch of paparazzi have entered the store and they’re surrounding one guy who’s sitting by himself in a booth by the window trying to enjoy his coffee.  It ends up being Stephen Root, who’s actually the owner of this store chain and is apparently a multi-trillionaire.  Stephen has on glasses and looks a little like Milton from “Office Space” but with a nicer shirt and better hair.  He looks absolutely forlorn about all the reporters mobbing him and shouting questions at him.

like this, except a trillionaire

he’s so fired

Fred Willard is freaking out that this is happening in his store.  Paul and Chris look at each other and smile and nod, and then they whistle or something, and all of their hobo friends come swarming in the coffee shop and they drive all the reporters out.  Stephen Root is unbelievably grateful for their help and it seems clear that he’s going to richly reward them.

he looked pretty much exactly like this

So then we flash forward to maybe ten years later or something, and we’re in this modest, low-income house with a greenish shag carpet in the living room and one of those ’70s orange and brown carpet designs in the kitchen.  Paul and Kerri and Chris are sitting in the kitchen with some of their hobo friends around a chrome and Formica table, and it seems like they’re getting ready for a festive meal.  Paul kinda looks like his Brian Fantana character except he’s missing a tooth.  You get the impression that Paul could have gone back to being a fancy business executive, but Chris was a little too slow, so he accepted a modest life so he could stay with everyone.  There’s a very real sense that everyone kind of sacrificed living the high life because of Chris, but no one’s angry or bitter about it because they all love Chris so much.

So the boy and the girl are sitting in the living room, and Paul is asking where Portia is, and apparently she’s in her bedroom in the basement and still doesn’t talk much, and Paul tells her she needs to come upstairs, and she does, and it’s Kristen Wiig with a buzz cut and all these freckles and everyone’s so excited because they all seem to recognize that Kristen Wiig is now playing the role of Portia, and at that point I’m actually in the dream, too, and I run up to Kristen and give her a huge hug.

i hugged the hell out of her

That’s about all I remember for this one, but I’m probably going to watch “Saturday Night Live” reruns for the rest of the day.